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You try to understand how another human being could psychologically terrorize you in the manner that the Narcissist you were with did to you. You loved this person and they SAID they loved you back. They participated in the relationship and it seemed like ‘normal’ reciprocation as far as them loving you back. BUT today you are looking at this relationship and wondering HOW did this turn around in such a hideous manner that you feel so lost, so confused, so broken, and disabled. What did you do wrong, why did this person that you loved unconditionally now seems to hate you and blame you and WHAT IS THE REASON? They have probably moved on very quickly and are with someone new and they are saying that they are in love and it is amazing. They are also saying that they basically had to run from YOU because you were impossible to deal with, or perhaps you have mental health issues, OR you abused them. You feel frozen in time, very vulnerable, and in shock or better yet traumatized from this and you want to dig through all of the layers and understand this so you can move on, BUT YOU JUST CAN’T SEEM TO DO SO. Family and friends are there to support you but more than likely it is to give you a small pat on the back and say time will heal your wounds, or you HAVE to move on, OR how could you stay in this relationship for as long as you have if it was this bad. When you try to tell your story it is so incredulous that most people seem to be in shock over the allegations that you are proposing about the relationship. In turn you only feel like you are the problem and you blame yourself even more and MAYBE you start to believe that you were the problem just like that Narcissist said. You feel like your spirit is gone and your whole belief system has been thrown out the door about life. Where do you start, how do you turn off the many negative messages? How do you reclaim your spirt and join life again? Who do you go to for the help that you need and WHY is this taking so long to get over? Every day is a struggle and you want this to stop NOW and you want to move on. You have heard ‘things’ your Narcissist has said about you to the very people you love in your life and now they may be challenging you or questioning this from the Narcissist’s point of view. You are defending yourself when you shouldn’t have to. Again you are feeling you are the problem here and all of this has become insurmountable. Well I totally believe you, I totally understand what you are going through and I am going to explain this abuse in a manner to educate you, as well as help you embrace this in a manner to achieve closure on your own. I am going to try to explain as much of this as I possibly can to help you get through this and achieve that “Ah Ha’ moment where you do ‘GET THIS’. I am going to do this in a manner that goes beyond the clinical definitions and put it out there in a raw manner with real definitions and explanations from the perspective of a person that has gone through this and returned back to a normal lifestyle. With each and every separate topic I am going to keep bringing you back to some of the same specific points I may have already covered in a manner that not only defines a specific situation but constantly reconnects it to the bigger picture! I will repeat and connect thoughts in each chapter because there is no real ‘rhyme or reason’ to this abuse, only the truth and facts that every target/victim of this abuse experiences the SAME thing. That is what I am trying to connect you to! Each chapter is its own separate story so you can read a chapter at a time, return and connect to a new definition that brings you back to a little more of the truth and understanding the total picture step by step.
- Sales Rank: #107123 in Books
- Published on: 2016-03-01
- Original language: English
- Number of items: 1
- Dimensions: 9.00" h x .65" w x 6.00" l, .85 pounds
- Binding: Paperback
- 286 pages
Most helpful customer reviews
28 of 29 people found the following review helpful.
Excellent summation of the trauma associated with Narcissistic Abuse
By Wynne Virgo
I appreciate that this book is written by a man; much of the literature surrounding Narcissistic relationships is written by women; the male voice is refreshing.
I recommend From Charm to Harm if you are looking for a better understanding the similar (sadly) aspects and effects of being in a romantic relationship with someone that you thought loved you, but ended up, in Zaffuto’s words, psychologically raping you. I have never heard the previous phrase, but it resonated with my experience of being involved with a classic Narcissist; Psychological/Mind Rape.
From Charm to Harm is more an informal conversation you wish you could have with your family and friends, about your experience, than a clinical textbook about Narcissist Personality Disorders. People that have not experienced Narcissistic abuse will NEVER understand. Zaffuto’s book helps validate and articulate the experience.
Zaffuto points out that the wounds from the abuse is deeply rooted in the subconscious and is not something one can just “get over it and move on” like friends and family suggest, leaving the victim feeling more isolated and confused. We function, but not as we once did before we got tangled up with these monsters. Friends do not understand victims need to keep repeating things over and over to “purge” the abuse outward. Reading and reading that it was not me (which blaming and projecting are one of their favorite torture tools) that caused the abuse to happen, these people have deep mental health issues that can never be fixed, because they are FINE with using and abusing people, other’s exist only as objects to serve their needs, OUCH!
“Narcissists break people with emotional, psychological and verbal beatings because they are just that sadistic.”
Gregory Zaffuto’s writing is spot on addressing the experience and the TRAUMA associated with Narcissistic abuse. I highly recommend it if you are trying to understand the truth and recover your soul from the experience of being targeted by one of these creatures
17 of 17 people found the following review helpful.
For decades I was married to a difficult man whom I loved and tried to understand and help
By Marilyn D.
This book has been an absolute lifesaver to me! The author accurately describes the abusive, deceptive, and manipulative behaviors that malignant narcissists use to control and exploit unsuspecting, trusting individuals who fall prey to them. He describes exactly what I went through! For decades I was married to a difficult man whom I loved and tried to understand and help. Nothing ever worked to improve our relationship. I lived in fear, confusion and denial, due to manipulation, gas-lighting, and cognitive dissonance (love-bombing alternating with extreme abuse). Once I read the articles which preceded this book, everything was consistent and made total sense. At last I understood. Very simply, I was married to a hard-core narcissist for whom I was nothing more than an extremely useful object. He didn't change because he didn't want to change and he didn't care about me at all. Abuse, lies, false promises, gifts, and pretend loving acts were tools to manipulate and keep control so I could be exploited to fill the roles of display wife, mother, sex partner, wage-earner, housekeeper, bookkeeper, organizer, cook, seamstress, hostess, and more. After retirement, when he finally admitted to long-term cheating on the side, I gathered up my integrity and the wisdom gained from this book, proceeded to divorce him and set out to rebuild my life. I am forever grateful to the author for validating my experience ( which seems incredible to outsiders!) and for helping me realize that I was targeted precisely for the good qualities I possess, which the narcissist lacks. This has been very affirming to me and has given me confidence going forward. The great value of this book is the author's deep personal insight and extraordinary ability to describe who narcissists are, how they operate, and how we can free ourselves from their grip. A lifesaver!!
16 of 16 people found the following review helpful.
Helped me greatly !
By S. O'Connor
I love the way he communicates in an easy fashion all the terms used by sites and books . Supply, projection, smear campaigns etc... I understood better what I was dealing with and what I had to do to heal. Also gave me the validation that going no contact is the right thing to do . There is a lot of guilt and emotional accusations at me that it would be wrong to go no contact with my mother. I know this book was written for people who feel in love with a narcissist . But it helped me to realize that no good will come from continuing in the abuse. Whatever the relationship type it is a betrayal at its most deepest level and a abuse of your trust and love.
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